Teacher Appreciation Week Cancelled After Staff Mutiny

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What started as a disappointing Teacher Appreciation Week—marked only by a lukewarm “Thank You” email and a tray of dry bagels, ignited a full-blown rebellion by first period. Enraged by years of underappreciation and microwaved coffee, the staff of Holy Name formed the United Faculty Front (UFF) and declared war on the administration. At 7:42 AM, General Mr. Ehrbar, draped in confiscated hall passes and a cape made of old detention slips, led the first assault on the main hallway, shouting, “They want appreciation? We’ll give them revolution!” The math wing was the first to fall. Mr. Reed, flanked by freshmen loyalists, held the line with protractors he used as ninja stars, while Mr. Dober launched flaming copies of outdated Chromebooks into the administration’s perimeter. Mrs. Ehrbar, holding off wave after wave of sub plans, stood her ground outside Room 202, commanding her troops with the ferocity of a woman who’s graded too many late assignments. Mr. Gallagher overtook the PA system, broadcasting distorted jazz and cryptic phrases like “The copier hungers again…” to disorient the enemy. As the chaos peaked, Mr. Palcisko, standing atop a rolling AV cart wrapped in extension cords, charged through the senior hallway. Clutching a shattered SMART Board as a shield, he led the Great Stampede of the third floor, hurling chalk and screaming, “For tenure and glory!” Students cheered, then ducked as textbooks flew past. Mr. Ontko, having disguised himself as a substitute, infiltrated the main office and jammed every printer with glitter and mysterious soup cans. Just as five of the fiercest teachers breached the final hallway toward the principal’s office, they were met by a last line of defense: Vice Principal Mr. Sullivan. Calm, calculated, and holding a weathered surfboard, he raised his hand and summoned the Spirit of Dave the Wave. A ghostly tidal surge exploded from behind him, flooding the hallway in sacred water and admin energy. The charging rebels were swept off their feet, carried screaming past the guidance office and back into the cafeteria, where they were immediately reassigned lunch duty. By 2:15 PM, the uprising was over. The administration stood victorious. Teacher Appreciation Week was officially canceled, replaced with a memo that simply read, “Better luck next year.”