Locker Fees Now Mandatory—Pay in Blood or Monthly Installments

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Starting next week, all students will be required to pay a mandatory locker fee. The options: blood sacrifice (a quick donation in the nurse’s office) or monthly installments of $5.99. “We thought this would streamline the process,” said the treasurer, who was last seen sharpening a stake. “The blood option is faster and, frankly, more efficient.” Failure to pay will result in the lockers being “repossessed” by the school’s new collection agency: a group of highly motivated seniors.