GPA Below 2.0? Students Now Eligible for the Holy Name Hunger Games

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Starting next week, any student with a GPA under 2.0 will be entered into the Holy Name Hunger Games, a school-sponsored battle to the death held in the gymnasium. “Tutoring wasn’t working,” said the assistant principal. “So we figured natural selection might.” Participants will be armed with gym class equipment, emotional trauma, and pure academic desperation. Last survivor wins a C+ in Geometry and a slightly expired Chick-fil-A gift card. Spectators can buy nachos at the concession stand. Teachers are already placing bets. “We’re not just building scholars,” said the principal. “We’re building warriors.”